Oh, I remember you

You've been here before,
hanging on the word forget like a tiny bell
on a leash.

Swaying inside our darkness,
you noiseless bat.

Begging me to neglect you.

Oh, I remember
you said it will be okay like you could know
and like I asked you
and like it would be.

Well. The heart is like a mirror,
it can only be broken once.

I'm not mad.

If love was meant to be gentle
then why would we have
knuckles to grind

and stomachs and knees.
I never asked you to go easy on me.

Really.  Show me true anguish, yours,
and I will show you mine.  

Winks.

So we glue the mirror back together
and it still reflects, but so distorted.

Anyone can love a demented thing
if it is done just right.
If it is just done right.

I can't help the way I am. 

If only you
had a sickly half-heart like mine, you would understand.
This is my weak attempt at telling the truth—
     I usually just watch you stumble around
     and try to feel your way through the dark.

Are you starting to understand?

My heart is just a mirror;
it will show you who you really are.

I have always chosen a severe life
even when I said I wouldn't.
I was resolute. I was brave. But I still never figured it out:
         how to  behave, how to be tender,
         how to be selfless, how to start over.
I opened the book on my lap,
but only sat there crying. It is hard
to be your own misogynist.

Really, who doesn't want to be remembered
as better than they are?
Every day I have allowed you
to adore and overemphasize me.
This is when I have been most selfish.

Who can blame me? You said hello so nicely
that I didn't sense any interpersonal boundaries.

For once, I did not have to be gracious.
I did not have to starve myself for days
or defy any impulses.

No, for once I let that desperate animal
have what it craved most.
Yes, I remember
you.