Disappear Completely

               I want you to know
               I want you to know
               You’ll never escape me
              — Alice Notley

I had never been in love before.
It was like a flood of water
falling off a cliff,
                               unstoppable and shaky.
It is like staring up
from the bottom of a well.

I had to do something.

Why do you commit everything
to memory, you accused me
much later
                     after things began to unravel.

As if this was a bad thing.
As if all this
was my fault.
But it was too late, then.

All my life I was rewarded
for my retentiveness
and my ability to sit still.
For being steadfast
and sensitive. And willing.
What a skill it has been
to take up very little space.
This makes me
invisible

and that is now my weapon.
People like me, who seem
deferential and adoring.
Who can laugh sweetly and easy
                   like a geyser.
Disappear completely. We’re
the adders in the switchgrass.
The way water is essential for life,
but you wouldn’t want it in your boat.
Or your lungs.

Now you blame me for my memory.

I am tired of being enigmatic.
There is so much
overcompensation.
What can I say.
You wanted in, so I let you in.
When did my asceticism
ever preclude your search for pleasure?
Did you forget?
          You begged me for this.
Demanded access
to my kingdom of compulsive
memory and seriousness.
Pushed the heavy stone lid
off my well.

This has always and only been
about consumption, yours.
And doesn’t it feel good
to see your moods and tastes
always shining back
at you? A smiling mouth
saying yes. Can I. Eyes that flash
like headlights.

The well believes it holds the water.
But let’s have a real discourse
on mutual dependence.

I let you in.
I let you use my body
                  like a ladder
to pull yourself out from the mire.

Never imaging that this would cost you anything.

Did you ever suspect
that maybe I did know
what I was doing.

And didn’t I try to tell you?
that I would get inside you
and you would never
get enough. Say love again
                               I dared you
as you began to lose consciousness.

Is it still a cage
if you step inside and close the door?
How easy it is
                                   to become a possession
          and you handled me so precisely
                                                                        
all eyes and teeth
                 just the way
I like it.

I had never been in love before.
I had to do something.

Your eyes were bright as arctic water,
those demon Nordic lakes.
I could drown in those eyes
            I told you.
And here we are,
at the bottom of the well.
There’s nowhere to go.

And I remember everything.