bird with bad wings

perhaps it would be easier
to earmark this recourse
as toogoodtobetrue
to start our goodbyes
and blame this evening chill,
remark our lucklessness
                               at foregoing
                         warmer attire

this very minute      this instant
we could kill this conversation
speckled with whatifs
and wecoulds

     so why make me say it?     
     when you can see it

in my eyes     and all these lashes!     spelling out:
yesiwantthis waitforme  
maybeoneday
tellmethetruth
nodonttell

something tells me
to be reasonable here
but        no        i do not want
to be reasonable

i see you've found
                  those clefts
in my character:
the curve of my spine
that arch, that apse
such a spectacle      so sure
i like to make my messes there

is it really so abysmal

maybe
i have not been delicate
but i have been precise:
         gritty and galactic
and you know what
that took courage

i would set myself on fire
to warm this night enough
to keep you here

isn’t it true     whoever you are
on the inside
other people will see it
like a bird with bad wings
it's okay      
 
we are both learning
how worlds start
to combust
then they don't      

like a moon slammed shut
black holes in the sky
like winter honeysuckle
growing wild            everywhere
let me count them
the places we can go

arcadian     fabled     pastoral

all of this means       i...     

all of my thoughts
are going down
a chimney somewhere
      and burning     
but it's okay,
we are learning

              and i only regret         
that it is taking me
a lifetime
to learn      to explain:

if i could
i would do things
differently, i would
i would

i would not have left you
in that parking lot      everything
melting away
in the dark
swirl of flat snow

we looked at each other
so long it felt
like bursting into flames     

your eyes said want
and they parted my chestplate
                                    like an arrow

i could eat nothing
for a month     i swear
i am cold                
but i am learning
that before nourishment    
there must be docility
as in,  
you can live
by the ocean
and still die of thirst

there’s nothing magical here

i know
all the math
in your head
says we shouldn't

but  there is nothing left
to hold onto
        bird with bad wings
and this sweet
compulsory fire
is starting to burn
right through me